What if He Doesn't Love Me Back?
by Lady Stars
Summary: Jim ponders his relationship with his lover. This is a SLASH fic. That means there is boy on boy...if you do not appreciate it, please do not read.


_Okay, this is my first Star Trek fic written by just me. If you wanna check out my collab fics, they are __**5 and 1: Shore Leave**__ on my account and __**Spockcicle **__on Wassupkiba's accout. I apologize for my absence, I have been having a hard time with my senior year of high school and my 'rents. Thanks for reading!  


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Captain James T. Kirk lay on his regulation bed while wearing his regulation uniform as he stared at regulation walls. He heaved a sigh and squeezed his eyes shut. The man couldn't recall the last time he had set his feet on Earth soil. Letting his mind wander, he rolled onto his back and folded his arms behind his head. He tried to envision his home in Iowa or even in San Francisco, but instead of land and buildings, a person came to mind.

Jim sat up swiftly and swung his legs over the side of his bed. This was the first time he thought of another person that way. He didn't even think of his mother when he thought of home due to the fact that she was off planet as much as she could be. Kirk covered his face with his hands and put pressure on his eyes until he saw spots of light on his lids. He sat for a long time, pondering his relationship. He had never really had a serious relationship prior to this one. Nobody he had been with had ever tried to get to know him better than how good he was in bed. Of course, Jim himself didn't try to get to know the other person better. This was the first person who was his friend before he became his lover. Somehow, this man worked his way into Jim's heart.

Of all the people James knew, his lover was the last person he expected to be in love with. His eyes flew open wide at that thought. Jim stood quickly and began pacing in his small quarters. Love was something serious, love was something that required thought and care and something more than just sex. James loves his ship, his crew, adventure, and his friends, but being in love was something totally different. He ran his fingers through his short hair repeatedly, thinking about that man that somehow he was lucky enough to be with.

He froze as one horrifying thought crossed his mind. What if he didn't love him back or their relationship didn't mean the same to him? Jim grew pale and his jaw dropped slightly in shock. He sank to the floor, staring into space. Even if Jim tried, he wouldn't be able to count how many hearts he had broken, or how many people he had slept with. This was the first time where the possibility of getting his heart broken had come up. What if the only person who actually matters doesn't love him? His eyes welled up and a tear rolled down his cheek. Jim brushed it away angrily. Starship captains didn't cry over love, even if it was important.

"I'm so stupid," Jim frowned and covered his eyes with his hand, letting the tears roll down his cheeks, knowing it was useless to try to stop them.

"Well, Jim, I could've told you that." A gruff voice came from behind him. Kirk's eyes flitted to the shadow of a man that appeared when the door opened. Jim marveled at not being able to hear the doors slide open as he wiped his cheeks as stealthily as he could. A big hand gripped his shoulder tightly as the man lowered himself to the floor beside his lover. He turned Jim's head to face him, but Jim kept his eyes trained on the ground.

"Hey," the man spoke softly. "Jim, what is it?" He wiped his captain's wet cheeks, frowning.

"You probably think I'm a stupid kid." Jim muttered, wiping his cheeks, turning away. Lanky arms wrapped around him and lips brushed his cheek. He could feel the older man's breath on his cheek as he spoke.

"Never. Well, I suppose I think some of the stuff you do is idiotic or childish, but that doesn't matter. That's just why I lov-"

"Don't say it!" Jim interrupted him. He turned and looked at the scruffy CMO of the starship _Enterprise_. Dr. McCoy looked taken aback. "Don't say it unless you really mean it."

Leonard brushed Jim's hair back and drew him close, planting a soft kiss on his lips. "How could I not mean it? Jim, I love you. I love your stupid sense of how to get us out of insane situations, your love for each and every being on this ship, and you. I love everything about you, even the little things that drive me crazy because those little things make you James Tiberius Kirk."

Jim smirked at him. "Captain," he added. McCoy flicked Jim's forehead before kissing him again.

"Yes. _Captain_ James Tiberius Kirk. That's who I am in love with."

Jim tilted his head and his nose skimmed Bones' skin as he whispered. "I am in love with you too Bones. Love you always."

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Okay, I know this was sappy, but I appreciate you finishing it. Please leave a review, I live off them.


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